On A More Personal Note

12:24

01/08/2012

With everything that’s been going on; my life’s been such an abused lift. Literally, I have been experiencing a heap of emotions, and yeah, sure enough I know, I can partially fend for where they emanate from, but I am still vexed by why they’re so impregnable. A while ago I had a conversation with a friend, and we got into how it’s so funny that, one minute everything can be going royally, and the next it’s just ambushed by some opposition; when good things happen, we often give way to the grotesque, because we’re too elated to protect ourselves. Too elated to protect ourselves- I like that; something about it is just so real, that it makes one wonder; is the result of too much blessing, happiness or ecstasy, really the pangs of destruction and suffering? And so I couldn’t believe I actually said: We often give way to the grotesque, because we’re too elated to protect ourselves. I cemented it as a personal quote of mine and actually proceeded to believe that, arguably, having said that, I was finally paying attention to the often discarded or missed voices of my subconscious psyche.

There have been so many times when I’ve wounded my armour, out of wanting to please, or comfort other people, and sure, there have been days when I’ve relented to what I could have overcome, but I know that, had I been in the right state of mind, none of my swords would be laying on the floor. Overcoming something or standing up for yourself, or even going to war is never about the victorious or the waving of your flag on the threshold of your opposition; overcoming is about being able to live and create good memories, even while there are tribulations taking place. So the construal of my state of my mind has been really questionable as of late, and I don’t deny that I’ve allowed myself to slip back into some trenches, from which I had previously risen, but I think It’s all in good reason and all because I don’t doubt that I am a mere mortal, meant to know the modus operandi of destiny, so that I don’t take advantage of what I am capable of doing.

Some people build walls around their problems and walk about as if they have everything sorted; some people toss their problems into the open so that they can garner attention, not to their problems, but to their own lives. And then some people keep their problems to themselves, then deal with them, accordingly, at their own pace, while a select few opt for keeping their problems to themselves, while giving other people insight, so as not to become overwhelmed. The latter presents a queer kind of resiliency, and I say queer, because we are not trained to be silent people; we’re carved to resist and revolt, making self-help and dependency, traits of a weak character. It’s not odd that human beings are so enthralled by the heroic and the edge of victory, since we have been socialised into believing that the only standard is the best.

I don’t want to deal with heartbreak by breaking another heart, nor do I seek to destroy, whomsoever had cast destruction on my path. Revenge is destructive and actually ends up exacerbating whatever had been avenged, since the problem doesn’t go away, it just comes from a different pair of hands. In my life, most of the mistakes I have made, I have come from the act of revenge and I believe that somehow, it’s the case for many other people out there. What I’m really trying to say is that, no matter how many times something bad happens to you, you’re never going to be equipped to face it; you’re never going to get used to it, and just be able to disregard it, simply because you had experienced it before. Therefore, though revenge may momentarily seem like the best thing to do, it should never be quintessential to your decision-making, since its effects are going to stain life-long events, relationships, etc, which may have well been avoided by opting to sustain the virtue of patience and forgiveness.

Maybe all I’m saying really is nothing but malarkey to you, but know that when I say something, I never expect it to carry the same weight as it does for me, for another person; I merely say what I’m saying, as a result of my own defence mechanisms, my own will and my own reasoning, while hoping that what had saved me, could potentially save another. Oftentimes when we’re called to give advice to a friend, or offer a nice word to someone feeling down, we become overwhelmed with that mini authority and proceed to lecture them toward bettering themselves, or preaching them toward living lives they don’t want to live, instead of trying to understand where they ‘re coming from. Ultimately, this causes many friendships and even relationships to fail, since the lines of understanding had been twisted, resulting in the emergence of misconception and disguised grudge. As humans we are too afraid to make ourselves known; we’re afraid of what we’ll sound like, or we’re afraid that what we say is going to cause dismay, yet we become vengeful and angered when we are tampered with or provoked, but how are we supposed to keep up our boundaries up when we’re so afraid to just be?

Don’t tell someone what they love to hear, tell them what they should be told instead. Don’t close yourself off from the people who are going to be there, when the focus of your mind is no longer fixated on the thing that caused you to eliminate what you had once valued. Never give in to compromise, and never allow yourself to be in a situation where you would need to defend what you believe in. Don’t submit yourself to the routes of another; go where you want to go, and keep away from the spaces that blemish your experiences. Live for what you love to do, for what you want to do, for whom you are and for whom you want to be? Only keep those people who add value to your lives, and remove those who threaten your destiny. Don’t choose friend’s based on how they make you feel now, choose friend’s who will want you to wish now could last forever. But mostly, having said everything I’ve just said, the greatest lesson I’ve learned is:

“Don’t let overwhelming happiness become the reason why you didn’t see the unexpected coming, and don’t let your happiness become the point by which another is made unhappy. Whenever you feel content in your world, make it known, but refrain from the belief that you are the happiest person in the world.”