Friday, January 11, 2013
I am so content, to have found myself, becoming rather relaxed; with all the mayhem going on at the moment, it's difficult to find peace of mind, or tranquility in anything. "Just relax." I've been told incessantly, and I've always responded, that if I 'just relax', the end product would disappoint me.
I'm always occupied- or at least always try to be, even if what I am doing is not momentous to some greater good; being occupied keeps me going, and I hate lagging or being stagnant.
It seems there are dimensions of 'busy' these days, because it's so difficult to discern between the schedule of our work lives and our social lives, not to mention our home and family lives. Seriously, it even makes sense to mention something ridiculous as, a religious and cultural life these days, because people are so besotted with that aspect of their lives.
And what about sex life? Isn't that a life all on it's own...
I'm sure many of you are screaming YES at the top of your voices, while a few unfortunate group of you, silently arch your head into the gap between your arms, right?
Nonetheless, before I go off on a tangent, what I'm trying to get at, is that I've found NIRVANA, or as others would like to call it; peace. Whichever way you think of it, I'm feeling it now- complete happiness and contentment with my surroundings, state of mind, relationships, etc, etc.
It's not everyday you get accepted, to study acting at a college in the United States. It thrills me, to think that, in just a few months, I'll be in Los Angeles...
It's always just been this dream of mine, and now it has evolved into becoming something I am actively involved in; going about attaining the funding for, living, tuition, travel, equipment and housing etc, is what makes me realize more and more, indefinitely, that it has transcended its dream state and metamorphosed into a reality. Yes, it does scare me. But as the old adage goes; if your dreams aren't big enough to scare you, than their not real, right? or something along those lines...
I'm intimidated mostly, though I reckon, fear of isolation and fear of the unknown or unexpected has a major influence over the intimidation I feel towards going.
Of course I'm going to, I've wanted this for so long now, and I've done everything imaginable to make it turn it out in my favor.
The other night at Shaquille's house, he asks me why I'm leaving him, and starts rambling on, about me missing this, that, and the other event while being away, including his matriculation. And that's when it really dawned on me, I s'pose...I'm really going to be away, at the apex of so many important events associated with my friends and family, and yeah, the thought of that does make uneasy, but since thinking over it nicely- I comprehend that I'm not going there, to miss out on all these things and disown a former life, I am going to study, and I'm doing just that. My return is debatable, and I won't think about it until I am presented with the options, for what will immediately ensue. For now however, putting things into perspective; understanding the purpose, that is, has abetted me, to estrange myself from guilty thoughts and fears of isolation and the unknown, etc. It always serves, to know your purpose, and to cognize with that, so that you don't have to be preoccupied, with drowning yourself in the sea of thoughts you have in mind.
I'm ready now.